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| an update on my life: basically, costumes own my soul. first, this weekend was halloween, which is basically my favorite holiday. i love dressing up (not like a slut, thanks) and going to costume parties where i can marvel at the awesome costumes and laugh at the ridiculous costumes (you know, the various porn star versions of disney princesses, etc). i had two costumes because i celebrated for two weekends. last weekend i was madonna and the weekend before that i was wednesday addams. it was a good time and i loved it. i'm also doing costuming for the theatre group's musical that opens this weekend. it's insane right now, but i kind of like it. i'm pretty much obsessed with clothing so the costume closet is like a dreamland. other than that, i've been as usual. pretty much living on caffeine, adderall, and nicotine during the week and absinthe on the weekends. too scared to weigh myself, but my clothing says i've lost weight, so that's a good sign. :) | | |
| i'm pretty much convinced that i am doomed to fuck up every relationship in my life. when i say this, i'm referring to both friendships and romantic relationships. however, i'm specifically going to discuss yet another potential romantic relationship that i fucked up. one day a few weeks ago i guy i knew from class initiated a conversation with me and afterward we started communicating on the regular basis, mostly through text, but that's pretty much the norm around here. anyway, i invited him to my friend's costume party last friday. i've known him for a while and he seemed like a cool kid. we never really talked outside of class until recently, so i figured the party would be a good way to have a good time together without being all awkward and whatnot. so we went to the party with a big group of people and it was pretty fun, a typical house party. afterwards, he came back to my building and we did a few more shots and then he abruptly informed me that he had to leave to visit his friend's place for a little bit, but he would be back. i was drunk and the idea of being drunk and alone in my room was awful, but he insisted that he had to leave and he would be back in a half hour or so. he left and a half hour came a went and he didn't show up. by the two hour mark i was certain that he was not coming back that night. i was upset about it because i felt like he abandoned me. i guess i have attachment issues...or abandonment issues...or i don't know. all i know is that i was quiet upset and the only way to relieve the feeling was to cut. so i did. the next day i got a text saying that he didn't mean to leave me hanging, but the shots hit him after he left and got sick. i don't know how much i believe that story, but i accepted it as the truth. i was still upset and for some stupid reason i told him something along the lines of "i can't handle when people leave me like that. it makes my arms bleed." moronic, right? i don't know why i said it, but i did. it seemed ok at the time, but after that day he almost completely cut off communication with me. this morning i texted him to ask if i had done something wrong. he responded that he felt that i was putting too many obligations on him when he didn't know me that well and that he didn't know how to take the arm thing. it was a perfectly legitimate and correct response. and now i feel like a huge fuck up, as usual. i replied that i do bring people into my circle quickly, that i didn't mean to make him feel obligated to do anything, that the arm thing was because i was upset and i shouldn't have mentioned it because it wasn't his problem, that i appreciated his honesty, and that i was sorry for freaking him out. i doubt that's going to cut it though because i foresee anything contact with him being extremely awkward now. bleh. i'm a huge loser. i embarrass myself. i wish i wasn't such a fuck up. | | |
| ohmygoodess. i've been so stressed over the past few days. i have so much school work. i actually need to be working right now, but i feel like blogging might help me feel less overwhelmed or something, so i'm doing that. last night it got so bad that i was having chest pains. i think it was the stress, at least. may have been the eating disorder, but i doubt it. bleh.
i was thinking earlier about having eating disordered friends in real life...as in, not on the internet. when i was younger, i desperately wanted to find a real-life friend with an eating disorder because i thought like it would be so nice to have someone who would understand me. when i was about 15 or 16, i found out that my best friend from my childhood also had an eating disorder. we had lost touch over the years, but it was still kind of nice to know that i wasn't completely alone. sometimes i think about what it would've been like if we were close friends still. yes, i would have someone to share with, but then i wonder if it would be weird. there is so much silent competition between girls online to be the sickest eating disordered person or whatever, so what would it be like in real life? it could be nice, but it could be like...major frenemy. does anyone have an eating disordered friend in real life? how does it work out? i'm curious about it. | | |
| when it comes to guys, i screw myself over every time when i open my mouth. seriously. i suck at life. there is this guy who i've known for a little over a year. we're friends, but not like super close friends. i've had a crush on him for a few months now. he's really not the kind of guy i'd usually go for. he's not 10 years older than me. he's not married. he's not in the military. he's not a musician. i usually go for guys that are really bad choices though, so maybe the fact that he is different is good? i don't know. i also don't want to put myself out there and have him be like "wtf?!" because i've lost friends in the past over that. i think i ruined it today though. i've been kind of depressed lately because i'm really stressed and i've been pretty much running on caffeine, adderall, cigarettes, and 1 hour of sleep per night for the past few weeks. i cut. i'm not sure if i've ever mentioned that on here, but i do. i've been doing it more recently. earlier this afternoon i felt like i was going out of my mind and i had to talk to someone, so i texted him (apparently i'm 12 years old and text people to tell them important things). i texted him and told him about the cutting and i told him about my eating disorder. that was probably such a big mistake. i don't know what i was thinking. a few people on campus know i've dealt with an eating disorder, but they think it was in the past. they think the reason i barely eat now is because i'm vegan. however, no one knows about the cutting. well, no one knew until now. i think the reason i told him is because he told me a while ago about his sister. she was anorexic and a cutter and was raped....the similarities are staggering. i feel like i shouldn't have just put myself out there like this totally fucked up person...even though it's true. i don't know why i did it. he didn't seem freaked out or anything, but i hate coming off as dramatic. ugh. i pretty much hate myself and my life and everything. | | |
| one of the people i follow on twitter posted this wonderful link. i thought i'd re-post below. enjoy.
one.
myth
Eating disorders are a choice.
fact
People do not choose to have eating disorders. They develop over time and require appropriate treatment to address the complex medical/psychiatric symptoms and underlying issues
two.
myth
Eating disorders are about appearance and beauty.
fact
Eating disorders are complex medical/psychiatric illnesses and have little to do with food, eating, appearance, or beauty. This is indicated by the continuation of the illness long after a person has reached his/her initial “target” weight. Eating disorders are usually related to emotional issues, such as control and low self-esteem, and often exist as part of a “dual” diagnosis of major depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder.
three.
myth
A person who “always eats” does not have an eating disorder.
fact
A person practicing an eating disorder may only play with their food, making it appear as though they have eaten a meal. They may eat at such a slow rate that they consume a few calories. They may even eat large amounts of food, but of insufficient variety to offer proper nutrition. They may also secretly purge the food they have eaten.
four.
myth
You can tell if a person has an eating disorder simply by appearance.
fact
You can’t. Anorexia may be easier to detect visually. Bulimia is harder to “see” because individuals often have normal weight or may be overweight. Some people may show obvious signs, such as sudden weight loss or gain, while others may not. People with an eating disorder can become very effective at hiding the signs and symptoms. Thus, eating disorders can be undetected for months, years, or a lifetime.
five.
myth
Purging is only throwing up.
fact
The definition of purging is to evacuate the contents of the stomach or bowels by any of several means. In bulimia, purging is used to compensate for excessive food intake. Methods of purging include vomiting, enemas and laxative abuse, insulin abuse, fasting, and excessive exercise. Any of these behaviors can be dangerous and lead to serious medical emergencies or death. Purging by throwing up also can affect the teeth and esophagus because of the acidity of purged contents.
six.
myth
Laxatives are an effective way to prevent the absorption of calories.
fact
The use/abuse of laxatives only depletes the body’s store of fluids. Laxatives react with the colon, where no absorption of calories takes place. Laxative abuse can lead to extreme dehydration, electrolyte imbalance, and additional medical complications up to and including the need for a colostomy.
seven.
myth
Achieving normal weight means that anorexia is cured.
fact
Weight recovery is essential to enabling a person with anorexia to participate in a meaningful way in further treatment, such as psychological therapy. Recovering to normal weight does not in and of itself signify a cure, because eating disorders are complex medical/psychiatric illnesses.
eight.
myth
You’re not sick until you’re emaciated.
fact
Only a small percentage of people with eating disorders reach the state of emaciation often portrayed in the media. The common belief that a person is only truly ill if he/she becomes abnormally thin compounds the affected individual’s perceptions of body image and not being “good” at being “sick enough.” This can interfere with treatment, and can trigger intensification of self-destructive eating disorder behaviors.
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