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| my tumblr isn't exactly new. i guess i just never posted the link here.
the emerald city.
(click the words above. ^) | | |
| "it's weird, cause stuff happens and you don't really notice it while it's happening... life is sort of passing by. - nikki (brittany murphy), spun
i was horrified to hear news of brittany murphy's death yesterday afternoon. it was shocking. i've always been a fan of her. i won't claim to have been super obsessed, but she was in some of my all-time favorite movies so it's sad to hear that she died. another reason i was so emotionally affected was that she was a young woman, a particularly skinny young woman who wasn't always so tiny, who died of cardiac arrest. to me, that screams eating disorder-related death. as someone who also suffers from an eating disorder, her death really hits home for me. i know there have been a number of famous people who have died eating disorder-related deaths in my lifetime, but brittany murphy is the first to kind of freak me out. everyone knows that eating disorders are dangerous, that there is a strong likelihood that they will kill you. of course i know that. this was just like a sudden reminder and it makes me sad and kind of scared and stuff. now, i know her cause of death hasn't been determined and that it might not be eating disorder-related at all, but it makes me think like "hey, this could be you in 12 years...or less." wow. | | |
| "audrey hepburn is the patron saint of anorexics." - orson welles
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| an update on my life: basically, costumes own my soul. first, this weekend was halloween, which is basically my favorite holiday. i love dressing up (not like a slut, thanks) and going to costume parties where i can marvel at the awesome costumes and laugh at the ridiculous costumes (you know, the various porn star versions of disney princesses, etc). i had two costumes because i celebrated for two weekends. last weekend i was madonna and the weekend before that i was wednesday addams. it was a good time and i loved it. i'm also doing costuming for the theatre group's musical that opens this weekend. it's insane right now, but i kind of like it. i'm pretty much obsessed with clothing so the costume closet is like a dreamland. other than that, i've been as usual. pretty much living on caffeine, adderall, and nicotine during the week and absinthe on the weekends. too scared to weigh myself, but my clothing says i've lost weight, so that's a good sign. :) | | |
| i'm pretty much convinced that i am doomed to fuck up every relationship in my life. when i say this, i'm referring to both friendships and romantic relationships. however, i'm specifically going to discuss yet another potential romantic relationship that i fucked up. one day a few weeks ago i guy i knew from class initiated a conversation with me and afterward we started communicating on the regular basis, mostly through text, but that's pretty much the norm around here. anyway, i invited him to my friend's costume party last friday. i've known him for a while and he seemed like a cool kid. we never really talked outside of class until recently, so i figured the party would be a good way to have a good time together without being all awkward and whatnot. so we went to the party with a big group of people and it was pretty fun, a typical house party. afterwards, he came back to my building and we did a few more shots and then he abruptly informed me that he had to leave to visit his friend's place for a little bit, but he would be back. i was drunk and the idea of being drunk and alone in my room was awful, but he insisted that he had to leave and he would be back in a half hour or so. he left and a half hour came a went and he didn't show up. by the two hour mark i was certain that he was not coming back that night. i was upset about it because i felt like he abandoned me. i guess i have attachment issues...or abandonment issues...or i don't know. all i know is that i was quiet upset and the only way to relieve the feeling was to cut. so i did. the next day i got a text saying that he didn't mean to leave me hanging, but the shots hit him after he left and got sick. i don't know how much i believe that story, but i accepted it as the truth. i was still upset and for some stupid reason i told him something along the lines of "i can't handle when people leave me like that. it makes my arms bleed." moronic, right? i don't know why i said it, but i did. it seemed ok at the time, but after that day he almost completely cut off communication with me. this morning i texted him to ask if i had done something wrong. he responded that he felt that i was putting too many obligations on him when he didn't know me that well and that he didn't know how to take the arm thing. it was a perfectly legitimate and correct response. and now i feel like a huge fuck up, as usual. i replied that i do bring people into my circle quickly, that i didn't mean to make him feel obligated to do anything, that the arm thing was because i was upset and i shouldn't have mentioned it because it wasn't his problem, that i appreciated his honesty, and that i was sorry for freaking him out. i doubt that's going to cut it though because i foresee anything contact with him being extremely awkward now. bleh. i'm a huge loser. i embarrass myself. i wish i wasn't such a fuck up. | | |
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